My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
