like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
