I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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