i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
