I wish they made helmets for livers.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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