The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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