I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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