Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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