hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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