Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
