How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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