oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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