this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
