my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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