Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
