Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
