Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
