Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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