I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
