I puked a lego.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
