I wish I could teleport
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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