barbara walters just said penis...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
