Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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