3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
