i was born a porn star she said
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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