everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
