apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
