the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We got so high we made milksteak
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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