i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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