Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
