Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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