I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
