woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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