when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
