They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Operation Purity has been aborted
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
