I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
