I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
