Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
