When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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