dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
