I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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