Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
