I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
