i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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