Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
