She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
