I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
