hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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