Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
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Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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