im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
