FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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