cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
