My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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