My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
