I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My underwear smells like fireworks.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Someone signed my nipple.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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