i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
