If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
